So...

this is a very personal post for me;
so we'll see if it's still here tomorrow morning ;)

I was washing dishes while listening to Darren Hayes.
For those of you who don't know, Darren was the lead
singer of Savage Garden. He later branched off to a solo
artist - and is fabulous.

It got me thinking about old times. How I used to be,
and how I miss how I used to be.
By that I mean there were times in my life when I was
less self conscience. When I was good with friends, when
I'd wear crazy eye shadow - and ROCKED it! When I knew
I looked good - and no one could break that spirit.

I don't know at what point I became such a crappy friend.
At what point did I decide I didn't like to talk on the phone?
At what point did I decide it was too hard to keep in
touch with people?

I used to LOVE chatting on the phone. I loved calling people
up whenever, for whatever reason. My oldest friend, Amanda,
and I have known each other since 6th grade. At first
we didn't like each other. And really - the only reason was
because I thought she had an ugly back pack, and she thought
I had an annoying voice.
But lucky for us, our last names fall next to each other in the
alphabet, so we were always grouped together. That and
we had 5 out of 7 classes together in 6th grade.
Amanda was the person who taught me what a real friend was.
She is summers in an ice cold family room watching MTV, eating
Cheez-its and gummy bears.
She is scary movie marathons and strawberry smelling burps.
She is faking sit ups in Mr. Vallis' class. She is Sizzler and
Claim Jumpers to the point of almost puking. She is drives
through the Lafayette Hills while talking about nothings. She
is bowling class and random trips to Memphis just to say we've
been to Graceland.
We used to call each other up in Junior high - when neither of
our parents was willing to drive us to the others house - and
'watch TV' together. We'd watch the same channel and talk
about that shows, or whatever. We'd also call each other in the
morning before school. I'd say "are you going to school today?"
She'd say "no - are you?" then me: "I don't know, hang on." At
that point I'd go to my parents room saying how I didn't feel good.
Then run back to the phone and say "nope - I'm not going either."
:]
I miss the -
phone rings - Me "Hey bum noggin"
Amanda - "hey Loser"
Me: "What are you doing?"
Amanda - "nothing"
Me: Did you call me because you were bored - jerkface?!"
Amanda - "Uhh.... maybe."

We had good times!
Another grand friend [which is who got me thinking about this]
is my friend Nicole. We also started out not caring much for
each other.
Hmmm - Nicole is interesting. I love her. Her anger is
funny to me because she has such passion and it makes me
laugh [sometimes :} ]
Nicole is.... late night Slurpee runs in the summer. Then swings
at the park at 11:30 at night.
Nicole is Disneyland and Darren Hayes. She is San Francisco
and Sausalito. She is Russell's House of Steel and the
smell of coffee + that stuff from The Body Shop. She is lunches
at Grand Di'or and hanging out on our days off at
Williams-Sonoma. She is $200 on Sephora, styrofoam bag volleyball
in the Williams-Sonoma stockroom and grapefruit and basil lotion.
She is the lover of all things pretty and [her] crushes on gay boys.
She is laughs about Radio Shack someones and faux Easter Bunny poop.
I miss being around her. She's very quick with the whit and
can be short tempered - which together make me laugh :)
Style wise, she was more like me. She loves her eye shadow
and nail polish. We are 'opposites' in looks. I have blond
hair, she has brown. I have brown eye, she has blue contacts :)
I have stars on my wrists, she has them behind her ears - which
isn't technically opposite - but still :) I'm Caucasian, she's Japanese.

Another awesome friend of mine is Heather! We just got back into
contact after some years. One reason I love networking websites!
Heather reestablished my faith in the Young Women. I didn't
have a good experience in my last ward [at age 16], and wasn't keen on
moving to a new one - until I met Heather. I think we bonded over our
love of Blink 182 :) Heather was the reason I liked going to activities
and going to Young Women's. She made me laugh and was fun to be
around!
Heather is - Blink 182 of course! She is hiding seminary scriptures.
She is Apples to Apples and Antioch - in a good way! She is letters
written when she went off to school [cause she's a year older]. I
still have those letters somewhere!
Now she is emails about sons. She is reassurance that I'm not
bleeding internally from my C-section. She is someone
who enjoys my love of a good cupcake. She shares my love
of Target and Sephora and she's someone I've confided in. She's fab!

So that's my post. It's about friends - and my need to be a better one.
I can go on and on about the awesome friends I have. And I'm pledging
to be a better one! I think I need to jump back on the telephone
bandwagon. Because I really do love a good chat.

It makes me sad to think of friends from the past, who will remain
a memory. Never to talk to again. It's weird - some people are
such a huge part of your life, and then one day [literally] they're gone.
And they just become strangers. I used to have the BEST job[s]. One
was as a bank teller. I can't even express enough how I loved that
job and my co-workers. For 4 years I went in early everyday, and left late.
I worked Monday through Saturday by choice. I went through
a robbery at gun point with them. I went through betrayal of friends
and boyfriends with them. I went through birthdays and cried in front
of them. Which I'll tell you now - I don't do. I refuse to cry in front of
people because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable [which is dumb].
And now - I wonder if I saw them walking down the street, or in a store,
would I go up and say hi? Would I look away and pretend I didn't see them?
Would they do that if they saw me? And I'm kind of thinking - yea.
Which I don't like. I've tried to get some of those connections back,
but there was a lack of interest on both parts. It's just crazy how someone
you see everyday for 4 years, turns into someone you'd pretend you didn't
know when passing on the street.

Well - enough with all that. I'm going to try and keep my relationships
strong. It's ridiculous to loose good friends, and I wont have it!
So here's to me making frequent phone calls. Here's to me bringing
up old times - and here's to me showing a side of myself I usually keep
hidden.

Cheers - and good night.
:]